I know that the title is over the top. I'll give you clickbait even but it is the only thing I could think of that would stress the type of person I have been involved with. Earlier in the Heartaches and Headaches blog I posted about Dating a Narcissistic Individual. I didn't go into great detail but I did give the basics of what that living hell was like. Well it has come to my attention that I attract these type of women. The last four women I have dated have all been full blown narcissistic or have overwhelming traits. I admit that I am not a psychologist and I do not go around diagnosing people but simply reading and studying the traits of a narcissistic individual will allow you to get an idea of how these people see the world and react. Donald Trump fan or not, it doesn't matter, I think everyone can see the man is a narcissist so that is why I use the comparison of him to this woman I was dating.
Now before I go into the most recent woman let me take a step back to 2013 when I was first exposed to being in a relationship with a narcissist. I mentioned in my previous post that no matter what I did nothing was ever good enough, there was constant put downs, and the ability to be empathetic to simple things was nonexistent. However, I actually fell for this woman because in the beginning she as very charming and over exaggerated her feelings and need for me. When you are searching for that person you feel could be the one, you get blinded by this attention and over flow of love. You buy what they are selling and you get caught. I got caught and then all hell broke loose. You try to rationalize with yourself as if you really are this bad person they make you out to be and try to change. It's not possible because it's not you. Even if you bow down to their every need and want, they will find something different to complain about. Moral of the story it's not you, it's them. I think the most worrisome part about it is that they don't even know they do it. It's normal to them. It is their own delusions of what love and the world is. It's almost like you should feel bad for them to be trapped in that mindset but you can't because they drain you so much emotionally.
Fast forward to 2018. People say you should never make the same mistake twice. You learn from past experiences. This is correct but sometimes we have patterns. We fall into things and it is hard to acknowledge it is a pattern and you haven't learned how to identify it. From 2013-2018, I dated about 6 women, 3 of which I had some type of relationship with that lasted a year or more. Out of the 6 women, 1 had traits of narcissism, and 3 were full blown narcissist. From the 4, I was able to escape 2 with no scars. The other 2 not so much as an escape but a battle until you just got tired of fighting. I know I just threw out a lot of numbers, I hope you still are following. Okay so I spoke briefly on one of them in the post Dating a Narcissistic Individual and I don't want to rehash that because it's over and done. We haven't spoke in years (thank God) and never will. Wish her well! The woman I will speak on now is the most recent and if I being honest I am mad with myself for not paying attention to the similarities from the past.
We met during the Christmas of 2017. If you watch all of the Christmas Hallmark movies you would believe finding love on Christmas has some sort of magical meaning. Trust me when I say that is just on TV. Anyway, we met during Christmas 2017 on a fluke. I was not living in the same state as she was but it was home and I was visiting family for the holidays. I decided to try and have a little fun for the week I would be there. I wasn't looking for anything serious. Just some ladies to talk to and maybe hangout with and then disappear back to Georgia where I was living. Being that we are living in the world of technology I hopped on an APP and did a quick profile and actually met 2 women. I had conversations with both of them for a couple of days and then ended up meeting both during my time there. Immediately one of them was more assertive in her intentions. She was overwhelmingly showing me attention. I mean I just met her and she was texting, calling, and FaceTiming almost every 5 minutes. It was like she HAD to be on the phone with me. It was sweet, at least that's what I thought at the time, I believed it showed she really liked me. Knowing what I know, that is not the case. The narcissist is very obsessive. They do this to always have your attention. It comes off as hardcore infatuation and intriguing at first but trust me it's not. This will be your biggest red flag. I should have run for the damn hills. I have been here before but I was blinded by the charm so I didn't. I fell right into it. My goal was to have a little fun while in town not fall for anybody. This woman put a block in that plan. In the first week, knowing I didn't live in the area I met her best friend, her parents knew a little too much about me, and she had booked a hotel for us to spend New Year's Eve together. In one week my family didn't know anything about her and I wasn't thinking about introducing her to friends nor spending New Years with her. It was ONE WEEK. Instead of looking at these things as red flags I just thought WOW she really likes me like that. I was flattered and felt special. That feeling is key because it is what they do best. It is how they pull you in.
**A quick disclaimer for all the good hearted people. Yes, there are people who are just genuinely good people. They do thoughtful things for people and are not afraid to show their feelings. These are people you do not have to run from. You will be able to tell the difference between a narcissist and just a good hearted person. The narcissist will show their self over time because they are not genuinely good people at heart. There is always an agenda. So the advice is to just be aware of certain things in the beginning and as time goes on.
Now back to the story. I had to get back to Georgia so although I did spend New Year's Eve with her, the next day I was on the road traveling. Remember I said she had to be on the phone all the time. Well I drove from Georgia to Maryland (where I was for the holiday) it is about a 10 hour drive. I love to listen to music and put on my own concert in the car. Well I got to do that on my way up but on the way down she called me like every 10 minutes. I would tell her I would call her back because I needed the music to stay wake or focused and I wouldn't get the chance. As soon as we hung up, 10 minutes later she would call back. Like I said before I thought it was sweet. Never thought anything about although I had been in this type of intensity before when I just met someone. It was all a precursor of what was to come but I couldn't recognize it. Moving forward because I don't want this to be all about phone calls although when I got back to Georgia it was constant calls and text even when we were both at work. At night we had to sleep on FaceTime. It was something else. So much it begin to get to the point where she would wine and always say I need you here. Come home. At this point it was almost a long distance relationship but we were not in a relationship yet. I was good with taking our time and getting to know each other. She claimed she was too until one night she asked me to be her girlfreind and then tried to act like she didn't because she wanted me to ask. So that's right boys and girls, I asked. I fell into the manipulation. Now I am not going to act like I wasn't all in on it. I mean she was pretty, sweet (so I thought), we had things in common (so I thought), and she seemed like she knew what she wanted. I would find out months later that none of this was true. NONE.
A narcissist can play the role until they can't play it anymore. They have to show themselves eventually. This is true for everyone in the beginning of a relationship. Everybody is on their best behavior but eventually some things start to show. Normally it's not that bad, things you can live with. I mean no one is perfect. But with a narcissist, it's all an illusion. It is like a totally different person comes out of nowhere. Think Donald Trump. Although he did a good job showing who he really was from the jump, a lot of people who voted for him are now saying they were fooled. Yes, they were taken in by his words and dare I say charm (in their eyes). This is what they do. It is almost laughable I fell for this 4 times but really fell hard for it twice. I'm no saint and I am not perfect in relationships. I will easily take the blame for past relationships not working. I will take ownership of being immature, a cheater, and just checking out altogether but all of those women will tell you at my core I am a good person. I will say the same about them. I have dated women who have done some messed up things to me who weren't narcissist but may have been immature, cheaters, and so forth. That is just regular relationship stuff you will go through as you date. A narcissist is not regular. It's more intense.
I don't want to take you on the entire journey because it is exhaustive. I will have you thinking you dated this woman. However, I want to give you some of the things she did so you can look out for these behaviors. While I was in Georgia before I met her I was contemplating about moving back to Maryland for better job opportunities and because I was no longer liking where I was working. So why not return home. This decision was in play before I knew who she was and after meeting her I decided why not. My girlfriend is there and we can actually date and see each other more than just on the phone. Although we had done a pretty good job of visiting each other. She came down to Georgia twice, we took a quick trip, and I came up to Maryland for a week and then for a weekend. I say that to say for her that wasn't good enough. She needed more and she blamed me for why we didn't see each other more. Claimed I wasn't a good girlfriend and that she was doing everything. All I can do is laugh now because I was buying into what she was saying and now I know that it wasn't true. She did nothing special and I wasn't looking for over the top. I was happy with the time we spent together as we figured out how to come up with a better plan for the long distance. However, once I was coming back to Maryland, the focus should have shifted to the move. Not in her eyes. I still should have been spending money on visits when I was moving in a month. This is because it had to be her way. PERIOD. That was a red flag. Then she started to pick at me. She would say things that were down putting but it would usually come when she was unhappy with herself. When something didn't go her way she had to bring me down as well. Narcissist do not want to be inferior. This is their fear. Through all their false confidence and bravado they show it is all in not wanting to be inferior. The minute they feel inferior they have to bring somebody else down and usually it will be someone they are close to. I was subject to this in the prior relationship with a narcissist but at the time I didn't make the connection with this woman. Overtime something happened at work or with her family she let out clips on me. I would defend myself but I am not one who likes to argue so I tend to walk away or give in. Both feed into the narcissist agenda.
Let me jump ahead even more. It is moving day, I am in my car on the road up to Maryland. In the last few weeks she had been distant, I knew something was wrong but I was just thinking maybe she is just lonely and I'd be home soon so we can finally have some real time. Nope. I am traveling and she uses that time to break up. Yeah they have no real guts either to talk to you in person or at least hear how you feel. It doesn't matter. So I decide not to argue or get emotional, I expressed my feelings and let it go. We can still be friends she says. Nope I'm good. She seems to get bothered with the fact I don't wish to be her friend or talk to her anymore.
I went cold silent for about 3 weeks. I blocked her from my phone for my own mindset. She gets mad about that. After I had my time to recover, I reach out to her to let her know if she ever just needs to talk for a minute she can call. No hard feelings. All of a sudden she is blowing my phone up AGAIN. All day, FaceTime, texting and calls. I answered trying to figure out what she wanted. She wanted attention. She wanted me to give her attention again. You see I didn't fight her the way she wanted. I was calm and positive. I moved on and was good. She no longer had the attention she wanted. That bothered her. She didn't have the control. The narcissist love control. So much so that it brought her back to wanting the relationship again without calling it a full blown relationship. But acting like its a full blown relationship. We can't date or sleep with anyone else. Answer all my calls and be over my house all the time despite what you want or have to do. She gained control again. And this is where I messed up. Mind you I asked her to leave me alone but she wouldn't. She put on the water works and claimed I am the only one she can be herself with and so forth. SHE PLAYED ME y'all. I fell for it. I told you I blame me, myself, and I.
Once she hooked me again, she went for it all. Everything was an issue. The fact I didn't look for a job the way she does. Oh go to every networking event, it works! No that doesn't work for me. Been there and done that. I have other ways of connecting with people that work. In her mind because I didn't do her way, it didn't work at all. I don't see the effort she says. Mind you, she is at work all day when I am doing everything I do. Work any job she says. You need income. Note that I day trade and make good money doing that. But she needs me to go work at a department store or KFC for income. When I have income. I never see you apply for jobs. I do it all day when she is not with me. You don't do it around me. Where is your laptop. Mind you, I have an IPAD that has resumes and cover letters stored on it that I would literally be sitting next to her applying for jobs. But because it wasn't on the laptop I wasn't doing it the right way. You don't communicate or tell me anything. Mind you, she knew when I had interviews, jobs I applied for, and that I traded stocks (she claims she didn't). You see she wanted to know every detail of my day. When I ate, how I sneezed, etc. Everything wasn't important. It was just daily stuff. Anything worth importance or significance I talked to her about. It is the need for control, the need to be right, and to make you feel inferior to them that drives them. Every single time she had an issue where she felt less than she turned on me.
Two last points I will make. The lack of empathy they show. Both women I dated said the same thing to me. I don't do well with death. It just doesn't bother me like it should. That's an issue. In the most recent relationship, my grandmother past away and the funeral happened to be during a hurricane. All she cared about was why was it scheduled during the hurricane. At the time when the funeral was planned my aunt didn't know but regardless it was going to happen and I was going to be there. The entire time I was in South Carolina she only cared about the hurricane and wanting to talk obsessively. Not being aware of the fact that I had other family there who were grieving. Not to mention my mother. It was alarming. It showed she didn't care. She never really asked me how I was doing. It was very cold.
The other thing she said to me which finally clicked in my mind that this was familiar territory; was she sees the world as black and white, no grey area. In my past relationship with a narcissist she said the same thing. What this means to them is that there is only right or wrong. All or nothing. One way, which is usually their way. We all know that 2+2=4 but damn so does 1+3 and 0+4! There is always more than one or two ways to get to an answer. Not for them. They can't see it your way ever. Remember in the beginning they will play the role like they can. Like they get it but eventually all of this comes out. Unless you can play their game with them I would advise you to run. They suck the emotion out of you. You will question yourself. Question if you are a good person. Question if you are a successful person. They take and take and take. You will give until you have nothing else to give. She took and left and finally I gave into what she wanted. I was upset and argued. I was mean and harsh in the last conversation. It's their way of saying, see I knew you were this bad person. All the while you were the one being supportive, helpful, nurturing, a cheerleader, nurse, maid, cook, psychologist, and yeah punching bag each and every day.
Relationships with people are not something they value. They value the idea. They will have a sob story of how they were treated and oh how they've changed as well. However, it's always a revolving door as they chase perfection that doesn't exist. How many people have been in Trumps administration? I'm just saying. People are not valued. Status is. Being superior is.
My advice.... RUN!!!!!!
Check out the book on Amazon.. Heartaches and Headaches: Diary of A Dominant Lesbian
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